Red's Wrap
Happiness. It's relative.
Swirl’s Chewed Things: The Dead Hat
Hello.
I am Swirl.
I am a good boy.
Yesterday, I killed a hat. It was a hat for the Milwaukee Brewers. They only play in front of cardboard people so it doesn’t matter. Besides, I don’t think the people here are on the team anyway.
I know it was an American hat. I heard them talking about it this morning at the dog park. I guess there was a Made in America label that showed up, you know, in my leavings on the trail. “Oh my God,” the lady said. “It’s clear as can be. Made in America!” I found that demeaning. The inspection of my detritus. And so public. As if I have no feelings.
Down the trail at the dog park, there was a puppy. The puppy looked like a dog but also like a squirrel. So it was confusing. And then we went home and they decided to wash my blanket so I took a green napkin off the table in what they call the nook to hold in my paws. I’m very fabric oriented.
After the hat died, the lady went on Amazon and bought a bunch of tough chewer bones. She loves me but she doesn’t understand. I want cloth. Shirts and pants and napkins. A tablecloth would be a fabulous present. A bedspread. A dozen pairs of white socks.
I used to be a sled dog. I lived outside all the time. But not anymore. Now I have all the things to keep me warm and I want to eat them.
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“Fury Cannot Touch Me,” Modern Love, NYT, 9/29/11
I had a friend whose dog also had a fabric attraction. She tore up old pant legs or bought denim fabric, tied big, hard knots down the length of the fabric. Dog loved it.
One of our dogs ate a light bulb. Really. She was the same one who got into Christmas chocolate and woke us up running back and forth on our bed at 2 in the morning. She lived to be 15, so I guess she had an iron stomach.
A light bulb is pretty impressive. I’l tell Swirl. Or maybe not.
The vet could not believe it, but said to feed her white bread. Of course we didn’t have any white bread, so we had to go buy some.
We’ve done the white bread thing a couple of times. Makes a lot of sense when you think about it. We are still waiting to see with a 3 inch plastic stick he ate…..
Yikes.
Swirl, take my advice and don’t eat the tablecloth. A friend of mine did just that and he needed surgery. Of course, he was a Labrador and quite insane.
He’s never consistent in his targets, that’s what’s weird about it. Like with this one – that hat was on a table next to his bed for weeks and then it became fair game. Oh well.
It tempted him for weeks! That wily hat.
Oh Swirl, I’ve missed this series of “chewed things”. I have a squirrel, not a puppy, rolling in my grass right now. I bet he would love to play with you, as long as you don’t eat him.
I think he only eats imaginary prey like hats but you never know, I guess…