Red's Wrap
Happiness. It's relative.
#16 of 92: Struggle at the Escanaba Goodwill, Part 1
Gloria stepped back from the women’s shirt rack and waited for the old lady to pass. Experienced thrift store shoppers know the dance. A person rifling through the hangers from one direction will step back and let the person rifling from the other direction pass through. It would be best if everyone started from the same direction or to have an arrow that said “Start Here” but there is no such organization, just random rifling.
This makes some sense because everyone has their colors. Some women blow past the browns and linger in the pinks. Others zero in on the blacks and stand at that section of the rack, frozen, imagining themselves vamping, she supposed, black being such a declaration. Gloria, herself, was all about purple, had been ever since she’d read the poem by Jenny Joseph that started:
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple, With a red hat which doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me, And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer glove, And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
Purple had become Gloria’s color, her armament, her flag of independence and power. She had a friend who had dyed her hair purple. Gloria hadn’t gone that far though she thought the shade lovely and thrilling. She worried that people would consider her eccentric if she suddenly had purple hair, maybe think that she’d gone around the bend. Or at least that’s what she imagined, having spent a lifetime worrying about what other people thought. But truth be told, she envied her purple-haired friend and wished she had that kind of pluck.
The old lady was taking her time. Gloria looked over the rack at the jackets and blazers and contemplated shifting her attention there, but she’d had her heart set on finding a purple shirt, something shiny and silky, that she could wear to book club Thursday night. So, she waited while the old lady slowly slid each hanger, stopping every other shirt to inspect for stains, sometimes pulling the hanger off the rod altogether to twirl a prospective candidate around, see how it swirled. That’s some character, Gloria thought, with her gray hair all gelled and spiky and those painted on eyebrows. She was a number, alright, in that chartreuse vest with national park badges stitched every which way. A very skinny old lady she was, too. Her legs, poking out from an oversized pair of culottes, were no bigger around than a little kid’s baseball bat. She had to be at least 80, maybe older.
Lordy, Gloria thought, rolling her eyes and suddenly overcome with impatience. There are other people looking for shirts here, lady. Get a move on! She found herself tapping her foot, crudely like a teenager waiting for a stall in the school bathroom. This whole shirt expedition was bringing out the worst in her.
But then Gloria spotted it – the perfect shirt. The shirt was purple, oh yes, a beautiful rich deep purple, and looked like satin, except she knew it wasn’t really. It had long sleek sleeves with two-inch cuffs and an open pointed collar with deeper purple buttons down the front. It was long, too, longer than your normal shirt and tailored at the waist. The shirt was a work of art, and it was a size 12. She grabbed it.
“No! Wait! I want that shirt!” It was the old lady rushing at her, fresh from the fuchsias. “I’ve been looking for that shirt for years!”
“Oh gee, I’m really sorry but this is exactly the shirt I was looking for,” Gloria said. “It’s a beautiful shirt. I can see why you’d like it.” She draped the purple shirt over the handle of her shopping cart and moved to the deep blues. Within seconds, the old lady snatched the shirt, hugged it close to her chest, and hurried with her overflowing cart over to the checkout line.
“Stop! Come back here! You can’t take my shirt!” Gloria peeled around the end of the rack so fast, her cart went up on its two side wheels, nearly running into a little girl sitting on the floor, pink and yellow snow boots splayed about, while her mother examined the bottoms of a pair of high-heeled thigh highs.
Jesus H., Gloria thought, what the Goddamnhell? Who grabs shirts out of somebody else’s cart? The old lady has to be off her rocker. Gloria didn’t say these things out loud, there being a child present and all, but she thought them so hard they might have lit up her forehead.
_______________________
To be continued.
_______________________
Photo by Sean Benesh on Unsplash
#15 of 92: Baseball is a Metaphor for Everything
We went to our first parent-teacher conference in twenty-five years tonight. We sat in the tiny kindergarten chairs (which was not as easy as when we did it the first time) and listened to the lovely bilingual teacher launch into all the wonderful things about our granddaughter. I was on to her game though. I knew all the good stuff was preamble to the challenges.
I won’t recount them here.
After that, we came home and watched the Milwaukee Brewers win the National League pennant which they haven’t done in forty-four years. The Brewers have been magical this year. So much so that I know each player by name, how he likes his eggs, and his shoe size. Only kidding.
Commentators are fascinated by the Brewers because they play small ball, meaning they run out every hit, steal every base, challenge balls and strikes. Their coach, Pat Murphy, calls the team woodpeckers. In addition to their wood pecking, the players seem to love each other and it’s that wholesomeness that has enthralled the city, well, enthralled me.
I’ve decided we’re going to be the Milwaukee Brewers of grandparenting. Keep playing small ball, steal those bases when we can, and always run out the ball. Tonight we got the coaching report complete with a list of things to work on. How do you say get out from under the table and stop coloring on the floor in Spanish?
Nobody was born great, right? We all had to work for our greatness. Like the Brewers. They used to be scrubs and now they’re on top of the world. Or near the top. Don’t quibble.
National League Champions – our Milwaukee Brewers. Next is the World Series. We never figured to be in the World Series of grandparenting but here we are.
Play ball!
#14 of 92: Sightseeing (aka Living in the Moment)
In the last hour of my flight home, the setting sun shone on the wing of the plane in that rich, surreal vividness that you sometimes see unexpectedly walking out your front door at twilight. The wing’s edge had become studded with grand rubies, each more brilliant than the last. I considered taking a picture but decided to watch instead, betting that the gloaming, if that’s what it could be called, wouldn’t last long and it didn’t.
It reminded me of the time we saw a wolf trotting alongside a highway in the dark. In disbelief at seeing such a wild creature along a busy road, we pulled over to watch him. He trotted along some more, sauntered actually, uncaring and unconcerned about his audience. And then he turned to look at us looking at him. We thought of taking a picture then, too, but we didn’t because his look was fleeting, just seconds long, and then he dashed into the trees and the night.
Photos wouldn’t have done either of these events justice. Both would seem smaller and less remarkable than they were. So I am glad for my judgment to witness and not record.
_______________________
Originally published in 2018
#13 of 92: Found Behind the Gates of Prayer
Go ahead.
Go ahead and find your gone daughter’s senior pictures, the ones that were judged not to be worthy of the big frame, the ones tucked behind the three copies of the Gates of Prayer, the ones that have sat there for so long nobody remembers the beaded jeans or the furred boots or the red beaded sleeveless top, the straight at the camera looks, the over the shoulder smile, the long black hair fussed over for hours that morning, the eyebrows plucked to razor thin lines; find the pictures and you will remember driving to the park to meet the photographer, you will remember the conversation in the car, you will remember parking in the lot, you will remember the specific spot where you parked, and you will remember the photographer dashing around with her long lens, and you will remember leaning against a boulder waiting for the photo shoot to end and for your girl to be happy.
#12 of 92: Heat-Dried SEO
What are your strategies for SEO?
View all responses
It is mid-October and very hot.
This has interrupted my years’ long preoccupation with SEO. (sarcasm)
[For normal people who have never thought about SEO and don’t want to, here’s the AI explanation: SEO (Search Engine Organization) is the practice of improving a website’s content, structure, and authority so it ranks higher in unpaid (organic) search engine results.]
One reason to worry about SEO is if you are selling a product or service. More viewers, more potential buyers. Or if you are monetizing your blog, like charging a subscription for blog followers, you’d want to maximize SEO to wrangle all the customers possible.
Early on (now this is about sixteen years ago when I started Red’s Wrap), I thought about monetizing for about thirty seconds and then convinced myself I didn’t want to do any bookkeeping. The truth was I knew I’d make about five bucks a year trying to arm twist followers and besides, if people are paying for content, don’t you kind of have to generate the sort of content they like?
I couldn’t do that. I never knew what I liked much less what readers would like.
So SEO is not a thing for me. I have a small, but solid bunch of followers. Every once in a while, someone I would never imagine reading my blog will quote something I’ve written. Occasionally, this mortifies me like someone overheard me one stall over. But I smile. It’s so nice.
It is mid-October and very hot. But if I wrote about that, no one would read it. Weather posts are so boring, so mundane. My SEO would dry up and blow away for sure.
______________________
Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash
#11 of 92: Blanketed: Writing Means Remembering How Things Were
[This was written in winter of 2018 when Street Angels operated a winter warming room for homeless people at a local church. Much has changed for the better since then. Including me. I am older, wiser, and a better person for having folded those blankets and belonging to Street Angels.]
Sometimes the blankets are warm from having been slept on just minutes before. This happens when someone gets up, gathers up his blankets in a bundle, and makes a beeline to the storage room. They seem to be saying, here’s my bed. I’m done with it. Take it. It feels strange receiving still-warm blankets, an action too intimate to occur between strangers but that is what we do.
Other times, the blankets are folded and stacked, cool as if displayed on a counter in a department store. Always the largest blanket is on the bottom and the smaller ones are centered atop, the corners aligned. Nothing haphazard for the people who fold their own blankets. Maybe it’s a message they want to send; we are more careful and thoughtful than we seem here.
Both the gatherers and the folders have spent the night sleeping on the floor of a cavernous gym in an old church, a place formally called a warming room. It is where homeless people can come to keep from freezing outside. The room is only open if the temperature falls below 10 degrees; this has already happened 23 times this winter. It’s been harsh.
There is only a thick blanket between each person’s tired back and the floor where sometimes children in Sunday School might play basketball. There are basketballs appearing now and then so that could be true though I’ve never seen it. I wish the people staying in the warming room could shed all their heavy clothes, their thick rubber-soled boots and layers of hoodies and put on t-shirts and basketball shorts and play pick-up games all night long. They can’t do that though. They need to spend the time they have inside sleeping. I wonder if they even remember having fun.
Along with my storeroom partner, I take the blankets from people’s arms and stack them along one wall of the storeroom. There is a science to this because blankets stacked too casually quickly become a pile and we don’t want that. We want order and symmetry; we want something to be tidy beyond 72 homeless people sleeping on the floor, their blankets all laid, by them, east to west.
Our town has about 1,500 people who are homeless on any given night. The authorities say that about 130 of them are unsheltered, people living on the street or in parks. Yet every morning that I go to the warming room to clean up, I see new people. I see new old people, new young people, new disabled people. Oh, some are the same, but many are new and I wonder where all these new people are coming from. They are all coming from someplace worse than a warming room, that’s for sure.
I don’t tend to them. I tend to the blankets. Other volunteers tend to other things like breakfast or mopping the floor. No one tells anyone else what to do and no one has a solution to why some people end up sleeping on a gym floor. No one is healing or praying except to themselves and that makes the room quieter than one would expect. People, all of us, are simply tending to ourselves the best way we can at the moment. A man carefully folds his blankets; I carefully stack them. And when all is done we lock the door and leave and wait for the temperature to drop again.
___________________
#10 of 92: Harvest Time after a Long Hard Summer
I have been doing a lot of heavy lifting for several months.
The work has been physical and emotional and mental and all very strenuous.
But as the months have passed the heavy lifting has felt less like carrying bins full of barbed wire and more like filling beautifully woven wicker baskets with the world’s most perfect apples.
I can’t explain the transition. I can only describe it.
Everything is still heavy but in a good, solid way like a harvest.
I am glad for fall.
__________________________
#9 of 92: 10% of Goal is Pretty Good
I’m not singing “It’s a Hard Knock Life” to myself anymore.
So, that’s good.
Life is pretty okay so it would be a stretch to gripe. Friday seems like Fridays used to seem when I was working. The weekend is ahead. Lots of sports. The Brewers doing great. The Packers nope. I have 75 more Get Out the Vote postcards to write and then figure I’ll go back to writing thank you’s to people for all their June kindnesses.
I got a great haircut today and tomorrow is a big event for which I bought a new silky shirt and a cute pair of shoes. I scheduled our first parent-teacher conference in twenty-five years for next week and had to google whether we should bring the student or leave her at home. Who can remember these things?
We went for ice cream after school because we all had such a good week and we watched a couple dozen high school kids careen around Culver’s full of end of the week joy and wicked gossip. It looked like fun, but it would be lethal if you weren’t in the ‘in crowd.’ I never was, so all the happiness kind of creeped me out.
The British Baking Show is on tonight and we are watching it in our pajamas while we eat leftover lasagna and chocolate chip cookies. My homework for Death & Dying is “Alternative Endings Reflection – Personalizing End-of-Life Preferences,” which is lucky for me because long ago I wrote a blog post about my funeral plans. It’s called “My Lovely Funeral” and you can find it here. I’ll juice it up to be more cerebral.
That’s it. We made it through another week. It was a good week.
And oh, I took this great picture of myself wearing a big red hat to protect my baked face from the sun. If you don’t know about my baked face, go here. On the same day, someone on Facebook responded to a comment I made by calling me an “old sack.”
I am an old sack with a hat, sugar.
#8 of 92: Yesterday’s Stop on the Grief Train
In Death & Dying yesterday, the professor had us draw an outline of our hand and then label each finger with something we love to touch. On my little finger, I wrote ‘hard-boiled egg.’ It was the last thing I thought of but the purest. There is no emotion attached to a hard-boiled egg like there is to one’s cat or a granddaughter’s hair. There is just the feel of the egg. Smooth. Solid.
“A hard-boiled egg is usually cold, too,” the professor added, in kind of a delighted way because, I think, no one had ever offered up a hard-boiled egg as a much-loved thing to touch. That the egg would likely be cold added so much to the tactile vision.
The professor does this unusual thing at the beginning of class. A few weeks ago she had a container full of the leaves of a dozen different plants. We each picked one to smell before we closed our eyes and breathed deeply.
She is wise to arm us with serene thoughts.
Yesterday, we talked about Childhood Traumatic Grief and Prolonged Grief Disorder. I see the professor watch me out of the corner of her eye to see if I’m having trouble with the discussion. She reminds us that a child who loses a parent will be grieving their entire lives, and I think of our five-year-old asking out of the blue – during dinner or in the car – ‘why did my mom die?’ I give the same answer and then ask what she remembers about her mom, hoping to create a little suitcase of memories she can carry with her. But she’s so little she doesn’t have a lot to pack. So, we try to help augment with our memories of her mom.
We don’t know what we’re doing with our little one but we think we’re doing the right thing.
There is no end to this. As one speaker said to us a while back – the grief doesn’t get smaller, your world just gets bigger.
Meanwhile, there’s that feel of a cold, perfectly smooth, quietly hefty, hard-boiled egg in my hand.
#7 of 92: Put the Poison Down! Let’s be Friends
If aliens arrived tomorrow, what’s the first thing you’d ask them?
View all responses
If they’d like a cup of coffee.
This presupposes they’re not aiming some kind of weapon at me and that they have the means to actually drink coffee.
I once had a very close relative tell me that to say hello to a passerby was a sign of weakness. This was after we’d been spending quite a bit of time together in a place where strangers were regularly passing by. If I smiled and said hello, they generally responded in a like manner. It made a tedious and stressful situation better – all the little greetings, sometimes escalating into banter. I love banter.
Of course, I’m thinking of aliens as variations of E.T., adorable in a bicycle basket and not terrifying creatures holding vials of poison that could eradicate human life on the earth in three seconds. My little pretend world – it’s served me so well for so long.
_______________________
Snow Door | wisconsinacademy.org
Listen to Jan read her essay “Billy” presented on WUWM’s Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “At the Breakfast Bar” on WUWM Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “The Parish Hall,” on WUWM Lake Effect
“Fury Cannot Touch Me,” Modern Love, NYT, 9/29/11
Recent Comments