I Think This is What Grief Looks Like

What are the ten thousand things you’ve done wrong?
Is there a list? Did you keep a list? It’s not too late to compile.
You could leave room for more, the list can be open-ended, just set another place at the table.

Runners wear weighted vests.
They do it to make a hard thing harder, punish themselves like monks whipping their own bare backs with branches
in order to call back their sins, free themselves from regret, show they are sorry. Runners love the heaviness, how the weight makes them sweat, how passers-by nod in admiration.

It is a bad idea to write when one is in a black mood.
People will think they need to call you and inquire. They won’t understand inquiry is unwelcome, obtrusive, that it is burdensome to explain that dark times will pass, they always do, that you are too busy to talk because you are working on your list. It is very long and people are calling your name from the other room.