Red's Wrap
Happiness. It's relative.
Bitter Girl Here
The initial flush of gratitude has worn off and now I am just bitter.
This is probably not good for my mental health or my liver, but it is the truth. I’m at that point where incredulity meets heartbreak, and the combination makes for a black, thick, sticky mess with glimmering pools of grease. Sick dog shit. Very sick dog. Terminally sick dog. I know about this, I’m not just imagining it.
In 2016, we were quick to knit pink hats and find common cause. Now the solidary tricks are blue bracelets and marching, who could forget marching? Marching is for shit. Women carry water and granola bars in their fanny packs and the men who come along get applauded and photographed. The men are the heroes, our allies.
I shouldn’t have to have a fucking ally. I live here. I vote. I play by all the rules. I am a citizen. I am my own ally.
My bitterness runneth over. I made a video about it today, sitting on my front porch, listening to a crew down the street strip the paint off an old house. My guess is that they were Mexican, many of the painting crews around here are. I hope they have their papers in order, that they are okay, and their families are okay. But I don’t know. It’s just more of that stuff that happens when incredulity meets heartbreak.
Bitter. It can’t be permanent but it’s a necessary stop on the road out of this disaster.
8 Comments on “Bitter Girl Here”
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Snow Door | wisconsinacademy.org
Listen to Jan read her essay “Billy” presented on WUWM’s Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “At the Breakfast Bar” on WUWM Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “The Parish Hall,” on WUWM Lake Effect
“Fury Cannot Touch Me,” Modern Love, NYT, 9/29/11
I know the importance of maintaining social connections but I just want to crawl into my bubble where I only let in people who are safe and bring joy to my life. I question the need to keep informed 24/7 when there isn’t anything I can do, at least not right now. I am having to fight down my rage response, however.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you, Jan – for your honesty – both in words and video. And, this opportunity to get my words out into the ethernet. The folks I am listening to encourage taking time to grieve this terrible loss. I also add wounding. I feel personally violated… to say nothing of the common good and the earth.
Those guys, stripping paint, their papers are not in order. The building trades are going to be in deep trouble.
As far as your greasy grief, I recommend we all take a week off, television off, computer off, phones answered for calls only and not for random beeps. We’ve got to cleanse ourselves of the old bitterness and terror for at least a few days. See some nature, play with the dogs, walk along the river or the lake. Breathe.
And then, at least refreshed in health, we can get back to doing what we know we’re going to have to do. But this time I know I’m not going to waste any time gasping at each and every horror, but I’m going to plan how to make my voice heard.
Those pussy hats made us feel righteous, but so what did that accomplish? Let’s remember the absolute outroar when babies were separated from their moms at the border.
Please take care of yourself.
I really understand this
I am a member of a Jewish family. A fortunate family that has the means to leave. Leave the U.S. Before they come for us. Four family members have already announced they will be emigrating. Two to Canada. Two to Italy. And here I sit with a broken heart posting images on FB and IG. Look carefully at the images and read the captions. Both are and will be metaphorical.
I think it is very possible that even those who want to be kind, want to do for others, want to be human on even just a general level (no grandiose ideas of saving the world stuff) will/are turning inward, focused now, and into the future 4 yrs or more, on themselves. Saving themselves, prioritizing their needs and interests. What was once thought of as selfish will be the way we live to survive. I am feeling like I have little choice, no choice. I do not think I have the stamina to fight for others and myself.
i just cannot bear to hear the news or talk about it or think about it if I can help it. I really feel like the nation and the entire world is doomed. Only way I can deal with it is to concentrate as hard as possible on my own life and to do no evil! To try to balance things out…..