Red's Wrap
Happiness. It's relative.
Heartache on Sable Lake – Part 5
Dear blog friends,
Here’s the last installment. Endings always give me fits as my writing group friends will attest. So, I’m really interested in what you think of the ending. And now that we’re at the end, what do you think of the whole story? Where could it be improved? What’s missing? Is it plausible? Was it fun to read? Your comments are so helpful! Thank you.
Just as she reached up to unfasten her life preserver, she heard the yelling.
“HEY! YOU!”
Diane leaned back to float. She couldn’t feel her arms or legs now but tried to make them move anyway. The waves tossed her, and she hit her head on the canoe.
“HEY! OVER HERE!” And then she saw that it was Birchie paddling hard in his ancient canoe.
“DON’T WORRY. I’M COMIN’ FOR YA!”
Birchie pulled up next to her, steadying his canoe with his paddle. Canoeing was second nature to him. Like walking. He never had to think about his next step or his next stroke.
“Okay. Okay. It’s gonna be okay. We just gotta figure this out.” Birchie looked over at Max in the green canoe. “What happened with him?”
“I don’t know. I think he died.”
“Okay. Okay. We need a plan. Let’s see.” Birchie moved his paddle just enough to keep his canoe straight and still.
“Okay. Here’s the plan. I’m gonna tie this rope to that middle seat and you’re gonna climb up it. We gotta get you out of the water. That’s first.”
Birchie lowered the rope in the water. It floated in front of Diane like a child’s toy. She took the rope in her hands and pulled herself next to Birchie’s canoe.
“Okay. Now just go hand over hand. You can do it.”
“I can’t do it.”
“Okay. You just hang on and I’ll pull you in. But you can’t let go or we’ll both go flying.”
Birchie leaned back on the side of the canoe away from Diane so his weight would balance hers and the canoe wouldn’t flip.
“Okay. Come on. Swing that leg over. Get that leg in here. You do that and I can haul the rest of ya in.”
Diane rolled on to the floor of Birchie’s canoe.
“Okay. Take everything off. You gotta get all that wet stuff off ya.”
Diane couldn’t move. Her shaking threatened to upheave the canoe. Birchie reached over and untied her shoes, tossing them overboard. Then he motioned for her to put her arms over her head so he could peel off her sweatshirt. Then came her jeans. Then he took off his hoodie and put it over her head. Next were his pants, thick hunting pants he’d worn for the past month. Mud and fish guts told the story of where he’d been during that time. Diane wriggled into the pants, suddenly able to move her arms and legs, to do things, to stay alive.
“What about Max?” Max and the green canoe were floating away, the wind and waves pushing them to the end of the lake.
“Okay. Okay. We’re gonna go get him. Stay still and hang on.”
Birchie picked up his paddle, spun his canoe around and set off in pursuit of Max. It didn’t take long, maybe five minutes, for Birchie to come alongside Max and the green canoe.
“Okay. Hand me that rope. We’re gonna tow this thing back to shore.”
*****
The town’s EMT’s were volunteers but they seemed to know what they were doing. They pulled back Max’s hoodie and listened to his heart.
“Got a heartbeat here. So that’s good. Let’s get him in the rig and see what’s what. Mrs., you wait out here.”
Diane recognized the lead EMT as the guy who always sat in the backroom at the gas station playing cards and razzing customers. She didn’t care about that now. He was a lifesaver. So was Birchie. Crazy Birchie with his canoe rack made out of branches. He’d saved them.
“Birchie. I’m Diane.”
“I know who you are. You’re always standin’ back like you don’t wanna get infected.” Birchie fished around in the back of his truck for his spare sweatshirt. He was still dripping lake water, his frayed, gray t-shirt and long underwear from God knows when sticking to him in thick wrinkles.
Diane rubbed her face and then reached down to pull off Birchie’s hoodie to give it back. It stank like weeks, months of wearing.
“No. You keep it.” Birchie said. “A souvenir of our encounter. How we got to know each other. Became friends.” He drew out the word friends like he was rowing a boat in a Louisiana bayou. It was that long and woven with wet and heavy meaning.
“Birchie, I’m sorry I was so stuck up. You’re a good man. A truly good man. And I’m so grateful. And ashamed.” She moved toward him as if to give him a hug but he stepped back, putting his hands up to stop her.
“You don’t like talking to crazy folk. That’s okay. It’s all okay. We’re friends now, whether you like it or not. No need for hugging, though. We just go on with ourselves.”
“Okay. We just go on with ourselves then.” Diane turned to check on Max. The EMT’s opened the back of their rig and waved her over. Max had his eyes open, an oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth. “You okay?” he mouthed.
“Yes,” Diane answered, watching Birchie heave his canoe on the top of his truck and cinch it down with rope. “I’m okay. It’s all okay. We just go on with ourselves.”
10 Comments on “Heartache on Sable Lake – Part 5”
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Snow Door | wisconsinacademy.org
Listen to Jan read her essay “Billy” presented on WUWM’s Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “At the Breakfast Bar” on WUWM Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “The Parish Hall,” on WUWM Lake Effect
“Fury Cannot Touch Me,” Modern Love, NYT, 9/29/11
Predictably I agree with many of the commenters about Birchie, either give us more clues earlier on about how he is a little off or expand his narrative in the end. I was especially struck that Diane was able to say in those moments of shock and exposure that she was ashamed, such a frank, good, old fashioned emotion. While I agree there could be more development at the end, I also hope you don’t lose, “we get on with ourselves.” I think this somewhat awkward phrasing captures an important piece of Birchie’s character. Rather than repeating it completly you could modify it to say something like, “I’m okay, we’re okay, grateful that we are able to “get on with ourselves”. Or, your modifications that let us know that piece of advice meant something to Diane.
I will get to work. 🙂
Story works well. But last part would benefit from a bit more transition to shore. We’re the EMTs already there when Diane & birchie got ashore? Who called them? How difficult was it to get Max out of the canoe if the EMTs were not there yet to help?
Those are some good things to think about. Thanks, Ted!
I agree with ruth about the title, and I think it would still be enough to pull readers in, without the heartache part. one thing that struck me was when birchie asked her what happened to max, and she said, “I don’t know, I think he died.” seemed somewhat matter of fact or dismissive, but perhaps she was speaking that way because she of all they were going through and if she was in shock, but I just thought she might be a bit more emotional or upset about it. loved that birchie came through. really good story –
YES! A huge fist bump for Birchie! Thanks for not killing off either Diane or Max. I second Ruth’s idea about the title. Telling us there’s going to be heartache before it happens was emotionally hard and perhaps unnecessary? Even though I knew Birchie was going to be the hero I think perhaps he needed to remain slightly cranky, slightly aloof once all was okay. He has been through a lot from people in general, not just Diane and her attitude. Would he be that willing to forgive and forget? If not then perhaps, should the story be continued, that leaves an opening for Birchie to soften and for Diane to grow into a friendship with crazy Birchie not just shrug things off now that Max is okay.
I have work to do on Birchie – that’s clear. And maybe he needs to be slightly cranky although in my head I was thinking he was just being his real self – pretty down home and friendly, but strange. You gave me things to puzzle over. Thank you!
Sure thing! Birchie is your guy and I can see him being exactly what you describe or flip him to bring out his crankier “I’m fed up with folks and their attitudes” side. I think that I have to remind myself that when I read short stories there are things that I’m just not going to know about characters- clearly not a lot of time to have deep character development in a ss… I suppose that means I’m more of a novel person… but I am always drawn to your stories Jan. Perhaps I’m hinting that it’s time to expand your writing ?? 🙂
Love the whole story, Jan! The only two suggestions I have are (1) perhaps to shorten the title – just call it ‘On Sable Lake’ so that the reader still knows SOMETHING is going to happen on the lake, but giving no early indication as to what that might be? Because it wasn’t really a heartache anyway, no-one died and human connections were made, so in my mind that has to be a good thing! And (2) maybe make a bit more of Diane’s apology to Birchie, don’t just gloss over it so quickly but let it come through as more of an unspoken realisation on her part, starting with a humble apologetic smile – maybe build up more of a ‘show not tell’ scene where we work some of it out for ourselves rather than just being fed the words, so we get to feel her obvious shame and discomfort a bit more too? Because although in one sense it’s an action story, in another it’s a human interest story, and for me that’s the bit I enjoy the most 🙂
I get what you’re saying about Diane and Birchie’s interaction and will work on it. I guess I was thinking it had to be quick because Max is with the EMT’s and she would want to see what’s happening with him. The whole ending needs re-working. Your reminder to ‘show, not tell’ is right on target. Thank you!