What We Are Thinking When We Ask Politely

“You need to get your lazy-ass self off that couch and go do something useful.”

“You need to work on your parenting skills.”

“I’m not having a conversation with you, dumb-ass. You’ve got nothing to say that interests me. Just get your parked-like-a-cement-truck-ass in gear and take the trash out.”

“Good parents don’t swear at their kids or call them names. We learned that in Health Class today. You really need to learn to use better language.”

“Oh, fine. Now we’ve got some 23-year old baby-ass teacher still wearing her cap and gown telling me how to raise kids. Dandy. I don’t care what Miss candy-ass says, get your pants-hanging-so-low-I-can-see-your-stupid-plaid-boxers-ass of that couch in the next 30 seconds or I will truly light a fire under you.”

“Making threats is a sign of losing control as a parent. We learned that in Health class, too.”

“Last call here. You will either get off that couch in 30 seconds or Mama will turn in a stark-raving-banshee-ass that will chew your little lesson-quoting, teacher-using, lazy-as-they-make-’em ass up. Got it?”

“Got it.”
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Tonight’s nuttiness brought to you by virtue of an irresistible Trifecta Writing Challenge to use the 3rd definition of ass:

1. (noun): any of several hardy gregarious African or Asian perissodactyl mammals (genus Equus) smaller than the horse and having long ears; especially : an African mammal (E. asinus) that is the ancestor of the donkey

2. (noun):
a. often vulgar : buttocks —often used in emphatic reference to a specific person
b. often vulgar : anus

3. (adverb/adjective) often vulgar—often used as a postpositive intensive especially with words of derogatory implication, e.g. fancy ass