A Mom’s Turn: Sibling Rivalry is Stupid

I am sick to death of sibling rivalry. I’m also fed up with everything being pinned on moms. For heaven’s sake, usually there’s a dad around somewhere. Doesn’t anyone care who he liked best?

In my family growing up, it was clear from the jump that both of my parents thought my brother, first born and 9 years older than me, was the absolute bee’s knees. I thought so, too. He was smart, competent, serious, and took care of aggravating stuff like mowing the lawn and taking care of me. Favoritism wasn’t an issue. I was born into it. That’s life, why make a big deal out of it?

In the family I raised, there’s a lot of off again on again murmuring about who is/was Mom’s favorite. I’m here to settle the question — Mom’s favorite on any given day is the kid who a) has a sense of humor and b) treats me nice. Not a high bar, boys and girls. The whining kid (even if they’re in their 20’s) is immediately put out of the running for favorite kid. Anyone who whines, criticizes me, complains about stuff that happened fifteen years ago, or demands anything from me can go sit in a dark corner of the attic of my little mind.

Who do I like? The kid who likes me, lives their own life, figures life isn’t fair, gets it that nothing is constant, appreciates the ebb and flow of feelings and has stopped living in the living room of life where there are three toys and four children. In that situation, kids, you have to learn to play cooperatively or take turns. Get it?

Sometimes, one of my kids wants to do a nostalgia tour of old injustices and take me along for the ride. “Remember when you took Fred to France and I had to keep cleaning out the basement?” Funny, I don’t remember but I can see how it must have irked you.

I have a friend whose adult daughter has gone into therapy and who calls her every Sunday to ream her out about yet another in an apparently unending series of offenses, including that she paid more attention to another child (with a disability, school problems, and you name it she had it). My friend says that her daughter is justified and that she (my friend) just has to listen and apologize. I think this is nuts.

Unless Mom is beating one kid senseless and carrying the other one around on a satin pillow, Mom ought to be let off the hook. Let’s remember Mom is just a regular person who is trying to get her kids from Point A to Point B in one piece. She’s not constantly doing the who she likes better equation in her head. She’s just trying to get it done.

So lay off, you sibling rivalriers. Go raise your own kids and then check back in.

This post was written in response to an Open Salon Open Call:  Tell us your sibling rivalry story.