I’m Not a Wreck, I am Super Functional

I’m not a wreck. I am super functional. I have to be because there is so much to do.

That said, I just spent an hour giving myself a pedicure because to not do so would have an adverse effect on my mental health. Much more so than the laundry sitting in the washer that needs to go in the dryer or the massive and very thorny weeds that have taken up residence in my side garden, but I will say this, to my credit, the hydrangeas I planted last year not only came up this year but revived themselves after I finally watered them after walking past their droopy selves for three days resenting their neediness.

Our daughter died three weeks ago yesterday. The whole day felt weird, like the two of us, her dad and I, were counting down the hours when we were sitting in the surgical waiting room eating the last of our meager snacks. We thought surgery would wrap up by dinnertime, but we were wrong. We thought a lot of things. We thought the humble but obviously insanely smart surgeon would pull off a miracle. We thought our daughter would survive the surgery and come home to rehab in our upstairs bedroom like she’d done before. We thought she’d regain a semblance of a normal life despite her busted heart and be able to work and walk her little girl to school.

So, yesterday, we were sort of reliving all those dashed hopes and I, in particular, was feeling hurt, like I had a bad sunburn and didn’t want anything, even the thinnest lightest shirt, touching my skin. So we opted out of a big event that I normally would have loved attending and went to the dog park instead and then to Meijer’s to buy my favorite coffee and red wine vinegar which we always think we have but never do.

I think that’s part of the aftermath of death, listening to when you’re telling yourself you’re too fragile to do something and then not doing it. And then not making any excuses, just saying it was too much. I can’t do this yet. It’s too much. And that being okay.

I can do the things I can do. The pedicure, the laundry, watering the plants, vacuuming and wrestling with the madness that is my office. Little one is expected back in a bit after a day spent with her aunt and uncle. I’ll be ready. I’m not a wreck. I am super functional.