Throw Me a Life Preserver from the Chair High Up

Let’s talk about jobs we wish we’d had.

I wish I’d been a lifeguard. Not a pool lifeguard but a lifeguard on Lake Michigan. I’d wear a red bathing suit and a hat with ‘lifeguard’ stitched across the front and sit in the ten-foot-tall lifeguard perches they used to have at Bradford Beach. I’d have a megaphone and a powerful whistle and use my great authority to tell kids to stop throwing sand.

On break, I’d eat vast amounts of junk food from the hot dog stand on the beach, and I’d never get fat. I’d stay svelte and strong all summer, and everyone would envy me for my great physique and perfect tan. And all the people I rescued from the wicked Lake Michigan undertow would survive and put me in their wills, name their children after me, and raise money for a lifeguard statue on the beach for which I would use my days off to pose.

Oh well. At the time of my peak lifeguarding potential, I was working in the office of a roof tarring business where I typed letters to factory owners extolling the virtues of Carbo-Lastic!, which was a real substance with a name that included an exclamation point because of its amazingness. I was a good swimmer but spent my off time with a guy who looked way better than me in a swimsuit though he was not a great swimmer. He wasn’t a lifeguard though, so it didn’t matter.

I would’ve been a great lifeguard. In my mind’s eye, I get better at it every year.

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The title is a homage to a famous Milwaukee saying: Throw me a kiss from the train goodbye.

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Photo by Janosch Diggelmann on Unsplash