More from the Live and Learn File

We see what we want to see. And when we don’t see it, we try to create it.

Take other people’s relationships.

When I made the pilgrimage to see my older brother when he was quite ill from his lung disease, I suggested to him that our cousin, Rod, would like to talk to him. I’d emailed Rod and told him about my brother’s situation, and he said, “Sure! I’ll give John a call.”

I told my brother this. At the time, he was lying in a hospital bed in his living room. He wore pajamas and had a blanket pulled up to his chin. His bare feet were left uncovered by the blanket, and I remember thinking that he had perfect feet. He managed to be a very old man and still have beautiful feet. The feet of a saint carved in alabaster.

“What would I say to him?” my brother asked when I told him Rod was going to call. And it was clear, he was irked.

In my mind’s eye, they were cousins. My brother studious and hardworking, but in love with cars especially his baby blue MG, our cousin more studious and more hardworking, in love with accomplishment and excellent grooming. I figured when I wasn’t looking, they were busy being cousins. Friends. But they weren’t friends. They were competitors.

And so, I think about my history of matchmaking, if you will, and I’m glad I’m not doing it anymore. Not with my kids or my extended ‘family’ of families who adopted from Nicaragua or my social network. Oh, I will help create occasions for people to get together, but I relinquished my engineering license. I remember the phrase from Bonnie Raitt, “Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t.” I can’t make other people love each other either. It’s their choice. I just watch.

My brother John did talk to our cousin Rod for several minutes. I only heard one side of the conversation, but it was enough to tell me I’d seen, I’d imagined, love where I thought love ought to be. There was regard. That was something. Not the magic and comfort I’d wanted for my brother, but something. My brother did love me, though. He said so soon after that call. It was the first time in our very long lives.