Red's Wrap
Happiness. It's relative.
Showing Up, White Privilege, and a Kiss on the Head
A good while ago I was in a very testy steering committee meeting. The topic was race. A Black committee member told about how she was always on edge coming into the group because it was mostly white, and I apologized for that. It had never occurred to me that she would feel uncomfortable in our group. We all seemed friendly enough but there were things going on I didn’t see, obviously.
So, I said, in my well-meaning way, that I had always felt welcomed walking into an all-Black group. I said that my experience since the beginning of my career in a Black agency was one where people moved over to make room for me. As if I belonged.
“That’s your white privilege,” the angry Steering Committee member said. She went on to say essentially – you walk into a room, and you expect to be accepted, and because you are white, Black people show you what you are expecting.
That stung. I have always relaxed into a Black crowd. I did that today at a Black History event for the Alzheimer’s Association. I never thought for a single second that I didn’t belong or that people were pretending to welcome me. I felt relief there. I felt gratitude to hear “Lift Every Voice and Sing.” I applauded all the speakers, hugged several people, and had an older colleague, whom I’d not seen for many years, take my hand and give me a kiss on the top of my head.
I don’t know if that was my white privilege. I don’t want to think so. I don’t want to have white privilege. I just want to show up and have it be okay that I’m there. I think it was okay today. But there’s no way of knowing for sure. Oh well.
10 Comments on “Showing Up, White Privilege, and a Kiss on the Head”
Leave a Reply
Recent Comments
 | Deb on Living in the Death Wish |
 | Ann on Living in the Death Wish |
 | MaryG on The Searing Comfort of Layla |
 | Nancy Bauer-King on Brevity is Beautiful |
 | joviald3f8e0e214 on Brevity is Beautiful |
Snow Door | wisconsinacademy.org
Listen to Jan read her essay “Billy” presented on WUWM’s Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “At the Breakfast Bar” on WUWM Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “The Parish Hall,” on WUWM Lake Effect
“Fury Cannot Touch Me,” Modern Love, NYT, 9/29/11
I’ve long been aware of my white privilege. I guess the sting here was thinking that how a group of Black people treated me was evidence of that privilege rather than evidence of their generosity and inclusion. And I’m still up in the air about that – and thinking there’s no one answer.
I think the answer to that is… It’s both. At least that’s been my experience. I think it’s not possible to separate them.
While working at the Guest House, I was treated with great respect by the black men. Part of that had to do with my position and being white. Beyond that was an incredible acceptance, trust and generosity. Generally, I didn’t have the same experience with the white guys. My experience with my co-workers at the Housing Division was/has been very much the same.
I agree with comments left by Jean Orlow and Jeannee Sacken. As I’ve participated in groups whose sole purpose is/was to begin to deconstruct white privilege and white supremacy (some led by white folks, some led by black folks). I have learned a LOT about my internalized racism, and the fact of my white privilege and white supremacy. Comes down to this, in my understanding, – if I am white I ‘enjoy’ white privilege and am part of what constitutes white supremacy. I was apalled and took offense to that when I heard it. Yep, it stung….hard. the hard truth is that being born with white skin immediately gave me privileges and/or access to privileges not available to or outright forbidden to people of color. Just the facts of how race, class and culture have evolved, particularly in the United States.
it seems to be a balancing act. one of my sons in law is African american and we have a very good relationship and talk honestly about things. he once shared with me how he would never go jogging in a black hoodie without worrying about people’s possible negative reaction or action, as compared to me probably not having to even think about it. not a criticism, just making a point.
It’s not a question of whether you have white privilege; you do (me too).
It just is. I think the question is… Knowing that, how does that inform our behavior in the world.
Some years ago when I was a teaching at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the faculty was mandated to attend a series of workshops on how to make students of color feel like they were a part, an integral and welcomed part of our classes. First up, several students spoke about how they felt in majority white classrooms. One of those students was in my class. Oh God, I thought, as I sucked it up. She talked about how Black and First-Nation students sat on the periphery of the classroom–usually the sides and in the very back. Then, another student talked about how her white teacher called “mostly” on white students, “especially when he wanted the correct answer.” Another said that he felt he was on the edge of things. Some of these students were the only student of color in their class. Others had several other students of color in their classes at this primarily white university. We saw videos of the classes we taught and damn, the students’ observations were correct. Teachers did those things, even if unintentionally. But did that even matter? Students’ perceptions of not being fully included and therefore fully engaged in the class mattered. This went on for the entire series of workshops. I learned a lot, and one of those things is that I absolutely have “white privilege.” No matter how I wanted to fight that description of myself. I learned a lot, changed a lot, improved as a teacher. After decades of teaching, I think/hope I improved.
Okay… now the original statement shows up. This is what is happening in my blog, too, I believe. There seems to be some delay in posting comments even though I don’t have it checked that I need to okay comments..
I don’t know what is happening, but I commented, saw it below, hit comment and saw it register, but then when I came back it had disappeared. I’ve had three people comment that the same thing happened on my blog when they tried to comment.. I’ll try again if I can even remember what I said. I believe I asked if she said why she didn’t feel welcome, other than the fact it was an all-white group? And if so, did you feel she was justified in anything she said? It seems to me that her feeling uncomfortable that it was an all-white group was a type of reverse-racism if she pointed nothing out specifically that you could witness was faulty in the group’s treatment of her. Is she a particularly difficult person and could it be that, rather than the fact that she was black?
Did she tell you what it was about your group that made her feel not a part of it? If it was simply because you were all white, that seems like reverse racism to me. Or, once she said it could you see that she was justified?
Wow! I think that would make me stop and think hard, however while I may be incorrect I would like to believe that a strong gut feeling of being welcome and wanted is not really dependent on skin color or expectations among specific groups but a genuine feeling among the members. Perhaps that is my own white privilege speaking…