Kiss My

I’m independently wealthy and super smart.

I just wrote that in response to someone’s offensive comment on Facebook because, well, sometimes, being a progressive, pompous jerk becomes the hobby I never had.

Of course, the topic is Covid or vaccinations or Dr. Fauci. And the commenter is someone who spent 7th grade science class drawing pictures of wide-eyed space monsters in their workbook. I wasn’t very bright in 7th grade science, but I wasn’t a dumb fuck either.

I was always just smart enough to know what I didn’t know. Which, in 7th grade science, and in this very moment, is a gargantuan amount. For instance, I don’t know how Covid vaccines work. I do, however, know how the FDA and the CDC work. Long, laboriously, cautiously, maddeningly slow. I trust deliberation. It gives time for doubt and argument and consensus, the meat of sound decisions.

If I could kiss the vaccine, I would. If I could wash Dr. Fauci’s car every week, I would. And hand wax it, bringing the spirit of my MG-owning, hand-waxing, dearly departed brother along for the ride. He probably wouldn’t have gotten the vaccine, for what it’s worth. But he died from something else, for which there was no vaccine. He was a pisser, my brother, but he knew how to wax a car and he would’ve helped me with Dr. Fauci’s car if Dr. Fauci had a car deserving of such treatment, which he probably doesn’t. He either rides the bus or drives a Subaru.

I don’t know why I comment on idiot remarks on Facebook. One reason is that the idiot comments are often in support of Wisconsin’s lesser senator, the one who espouses the use of ivermectin and rails against the tyranny of masks. So, because I pay this guy’s salary as much as the next person, I feel entitled to say my piece which, in regard to his antipathy toward vaccinations, Covid mitigation, and the dear Dr. Fauci, can be pretty pointed. In the borrowed words of my father (who would’ve gotten the vaccine the second someone offered it) and everyone else’s father, our dear senator is not “the sharpest knife in the drawer.”

It is unwise to get in pissing matches with people on social media. But it is also oddly irresistible. When the Covid-denying woman asked me who was paying me and why I hadn’t done my research, I couldn’t help but tell her the truth. I am independently wealthy and super smart.

I’m going to put that on a t-shirt and wear it every-fucking-where.

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Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash