The Marks of Henry

Things have sunk so low, as one might say, that I took the ridiculous and extraordinary step of ordering two “bralettes” from Duluth Trading Company.

Right now, I know that the bra talk will mean that the four men who read this blog will check out. That’s fine. I love you but I can’t always make you happy.

The bralettes, basically t-shirts cut into a bra-like shape, represent the tiny step I am willing to take to re-enter civilization without the protection of an L.L. Bean hoodie. Bean hoodies are thick, you could carry jars of mayonnaise underneath and no one would know the difference. That was an unfortunate image but probably more accurate than one might think.

Anyway, I was forced to put on actual bra yesterday because I had a meeting where I wanted to look really professional. This was a serious bra, a high-priced bra, which, after I put it on, brought the torture devices of Henry the VIII to mind. Don’t boil them in oil, Henry! Make them wear this bra!

Jesus H. I thought. Can I wear this bra for two hours? For two, endless, excruciating hours? I decided I must because what I was doing – chairing a meeting – was an important thing and because I didn’t want to look like a slattern, one of my all-time favorite words meaning, if you don’t know, “a dirty, untidy woman,” I sucked it up and wore the bra, its bones engraving half-moons on my chest, the marks of Henry.

I was part of the bra-burning generation but I never burned mine. I was really invested in the promotion of my assets and already steering clear of slatternliness which is, in case you’re wondering, “the quality or state of being slatternly; slovenliness; untidiness.” Still, I get the symbolism of burning one’s bra, the liberation of it and all. I wanted to take a hatchet to my bra yesterday but, instead, I folded it and put it back in the drawer for next time. That seems deeply psychological and meaningful, like I’m an instrument of my own oppression. I don’t know.

I’m just a slattern sitting here with my jars and my hoodie waiting for Duluth Trading Company to deliver the goods.