Post Election Advice from Swirl

Swirl’s advice for everyone for tonight is to hunker down for the holidays. Watch the news. Send money to Georgia. Find a charity for whom you can roast a turkey. Double mask. Stock up. And stay cozy.

For people who think this is impossible, given the state of affairs, let me suggest that had Biden not won, we would be gathering firewood in our burlap bags for our long trek on foot to the counting station in rural Indiana. Along the way, we would be crying until we were dry of tears and the soles of our shoes wore away exposing our bare feet to the clusters of burrs that are found in the forest this time of year. There would be no food. Only recriminations for not having worked harder to get out the vote.

So we have to appreciate this weird time and refuse to be made nuts by it. Make the news part of your daily amusement but close off the part of your part where, for four years, Donald Trump has been strutting around, messing up your carpet, and leaving Big Mac stains on your upholstery. He was evicted, don’t let him come back to pack up a few more things. He will just smear shit on your newly-painted walls.

I’m going to cleanse myself of the Trump presidency by immersing myself in wholesomeness like wearing my new flannel-lined jeans all over town, rolled up, so everyone can see the plaid, and making cranberry sauce for 140 homeless people which seems like a lot of cranberries but I haven’t done the math yet, and hauling out the record player from the closet and playing my old Willie Nelson records. Today I washed windows and mopped the kitchen floor and it was luscious, every minute of it, getting rid of all that grime. So metaphorical it was magical.

We can do it – 72 days.

Stay cozy.