Minnie and BowWow Discuss Hospice Care

BowWow: This is getting pretty damn grim around here.

Minnie: Yes. I agree. It’s a little depressing.

BowWow: Do you feel like we’re at fucking death’s door? Like the people are ordering up our caskets and making up prayer cards while we’re still fucking alive? Jesus. It’s unfuckingreal.

Minnie: I think they’re just trying to prepare for the worst. They feel pretty bad about us – me with my bad leg and you with diabetes.

BowWow: What dog gets diabetes for Chrissake? People get that from eating cookies and shit. I just eat that stupid kibble. Every 9,000 years, they give us a Milk-Bone. Whoop-de-fucking-do. I don’t deserve to have diabetes. It’s a crock.

Minnie: I think they’re going to give you a shot every day to make you feel better. Then maybe, excuse me for saying this, you might stop peeing like a race horse.

BowWow: Oh, isn’t that just swell. The lady who can’t thread a needle is going to give me shots? What the goddamn fuck?

Minnie: She can practice on an orange.

BowWow: That immediately made me feel better. Thank you so much, Minnie.

Minnie: We need to have an end of life discussion.

BowWow: Who does? Me and you? I don’t want to talk about it.

Minnie: Do you want to go together or separately?

BowWow: Go where? We’re going somewhere? Road trip! Road trip!

Minnie: We can’t even go out in the yard by ourselves, BowWow. I don’t think we’re going on a road trip. At least, not a very long one.

BowWow: They’re going to put pillows over our faces, aren’t they? Motherfuckers! And you always trusted them, “oh, the lady and the man love us so much.” Bullshit, Minnie, we’re costing them a mint at the vet’s. Did you hear the lady go ape shit in the car about the bill today? Three hundred and forty four dollars. Big fucking deal. We’re worth three times that. Minnie and BowWow. Fuck. We’re fucking priceless.

Minnie: Calm down, BowWow. It’s going to be okay. They’ll do what’s best for us, I know they will. They really do love us. Probably more than we know.