Cups and Saucers

Motherhood is the original double-edged sword.

“an event or phenomenon whose negative effect is inseparable from a positive one”       

I rattle off the names of all the women I know who are my age but never had children. “They’re free of this. Free of worry. They don’t have this yoke.” My husband keeps driving, looking straight ahead. He reacts not to most things like this. Their repetitive nature bores him. He also walks away from angst; he doesn’t let it seep up to his knees and stain his pants like some people might.

We drive by a very large farm pond. There is a dock and a small rowboat. The pond is square so I know the farmer made the pond, desired the pond, and so he made one. I think to myself, I could swim across that pond and if I was swimming I’d be free of this thick chain of worry. I’d pull the links apart and let the chain sink. Maybe I’d swim under the surface and see it feathering its way to the bottom and then watch it coil like a jeweled necklace.

I wonder if my mother worried like this about me or my brother or my sister. Is this what made her stand in the kitchen smoking Benson & Hedges and drinking vodka from a glass she kept tucked behind the coffee cups? A lady didn’t smoke in public and didn’t drink at all but her kitchen was private so she did those things there, leaning against the counter, her heels kicked off, her stocking feet with her tiny toes decorations on the linoleum.

I miss my mother like crazy. I wish I could have a drink with her and have her tell me not to worry. But I am alone in this thicket. Like she was. We are finally alike.

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Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

Definition: Collins English Dictionary