Red's Wrap
Happiness. It's relative.
No Hash-Tagging for Me Today
I just can’t do it. I don’t think it’s my place.
Dozens of Facebook friends are posting #MeToo in response to the call for women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted to be public about that experience. The idea is to show how embedded this behavior is in American culture, how ubiquitous, how likely it is that the woman sitting next to you at Starbucks or the one passing you on the freeway, three kids and a pile of groceries in the back, has been sexually harassed or assaulted. It’s everywhere is the point.
And I believe it is. And it isn’t.
I think if we make all experiences of sexual harassment and sexual assault somehow equal under a “Me, too” hashtag, we exchange reality for solidarity. Being ‘accidentally’ rubbed up against by a guy in the elevator isn’t the same as having one’s job threatened by a boss demanding sexual favors. Being showered with vulgar propositions and catcalls while walking down the street might have the same ground zero as sexual violence but those things ought not be umbrella’d by the same hashtag. I was made uncomfortable, you were raped. We are sisters.
We are sisters, but for another reason. A woman of any age, anywhere in the world is my sister. Without ever laying eyes on her, I know her. I’m with her. Our shared biology is our shared destiny in a raw, fundamental way that I might have denied years ago but recognize now. So I hear women who say they have been sexually harassed or sexually assaulted. I stand with them in any way I can. But I cannot claim even the tiniest bit of equivalency. What happened to me is a single grain of sand on the widest, longest beach.
No, I won’t diminish other women’s deep suffering by adding in my having been insulted or aggravated. It makes for faux solidarity and I want no part of that. I want to stand on the ground of common cause that is genuine and legitimate and not claim what isn’t mine to claim. And I don’t want to do anything that minimizes the physical, emotional, and economic danger threatening millions of women everyday. Sexual harassment and sexual assault damage lives, end lives. Those stories are important and unique and are deserving of paragraphs and pages. A hashtag steals the stories, boils them down to a simple syrup, dilutes the pain until it is just the faintest tint in an enormous sea.
So I watch and I read but I won’t #MeToo.
6 Comments on “No Hash-Tagging for Me Today”
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I debated back and forth for a couple of days, for the same reasons you mention. What happened to me was minor, had no lasting effects (though I still remember). So who am I to compare myself to stories of rape and threatened (and actual) job loss?
On the other hand, all of these experiences, the minor and the major, are part of the generalized rape culture that lets men and boys off the hook with “boys will be boys” and “it’s a compliment” and “can’t you take a joke” and the like. In that light, we have a responsibility to call it all out, and make clear that it’s all unacceptable.
In the end, I added my “me too” as a comment to someone else’s post, one that seemed to be saying what I was feeling. A cop out, maybe.
Thank you for articulating this so clearly and eloquently, as always.
I won’t type those words for the same reasons you mention here, and wonder if my avoidance of those words is because I compare my experiences to others and think ‘it could have been worse’ or ‘it wasn’t bad enough to justify ‘me, too’. Which leads me to ponder, when does it become bad enough, and are we so used to such behavior that it becomes ‘not so bad’? But then I think about the latest experience, when an old uncle shockingly grabbed my breasts and jiggled them, then swatted me on the rear. My sister and I ended up in the car laughing until tears came. I should have been offended, but I saw an elderly man sinking into dementia, doing something he would have been horrified by in his right mind. Definitely not a ‘me, too’ situation, like past ones. Never dreamed, though, that I would laugh when grabbed. But those earlier situations, while ‘not that bad’ have also never left me. So, I won’t type those words, but I’m with you in the solidarity of women.
An interesting perspective which I understand and respect. Having personally had several such experiences, some more chilling than others, while I agree with you, I felt it was important to add my
“Me Too” I have seen too many young women my granddaughter’s age ( She posted the ” original” request on my Facebook, not being aware of the extent of this perverted behavior in my life.) I posted “Me Too” since I felt it validated a personal issue for the many women and girls who added their “Me Too” for them. For some I spoke to it was the first opportunity they had to tell anyone that it happened to them, in a non-threatening environment. Interestingly enough, although I have a very close relationship with both my daughter and grandaughter and have very open about teaching them about human sexuality from childhood on ( Our Bodies was a cocktail table book at our house) I was surprised to see them post “Me Two:” as well! Apparently, they did not share that information with me, although they shared most everything else! I then realized that although I had discussed these issues generically as they were growing up I had never disclosed the personal sexual harassment I endured as a teen ( including a virtual kidnapping at the point of a shotgun) Nor I did talk to them about the attempted groping I had to contend with on the job in my college days, As a feminist I had always been proud of speaking out and advocating on these issues, to the point that I taught classes in women’s sexuality and was involved in many women’s issues. However, I personally never had a chance to respond to a question that was never asked of me or share my experiences ! I find that interesting.
My gosh. So much yes to all of this. Thank you.
Thank you for reading this and commenting. I really appreciate it especially when what I’m saying is kind of going against the trend.
I added my name and my tag. I’ve experienced both inappropriate touching as a child, then as a teen, and as an adult. The sexual harassment in the workplace just seemed a natural extension. Who was I to complain? I mean, my body hadn’t been off limits, why should my mind be? It’s a tough subject.