Red's Wrap
Happiness. It's relative.
Apprentice
Man babies are made not born. Just like sexist pigs. Neither lands on earth fully formed. It takes years of cultivation. Careful sowing and regular watering.
Dads are the farmers. Oh, they’re enabled by the womenfolk who watch from the kitchen window, wipe their hands on their aprons, and fret silently to themselves. But the making of man babies and sexist pigs, well, that’s a man’s job.
Boys learn how to respond to life’s insults and how to cope with women who frustrate them from their fathers. And it’s not what their fathers tell them. It’s what their fathers do.
And that’s a burden for anyone, to be watched day in and day out, to have those little ears in the backseat at every wrong turn and each flat tire. It is tough to have such persistent witnesses to life’s adult messes, to hear the clicking of their small forks on plates, their little fear of the grown-ups’ anger, their dads’ anger. Because, you know, moms’ anger is worrisome but dads’ anger can be lethal.
And my amateur psychology degree tells me that, after a while, a little boy growing up hearing his dad swear at the world and humiliate his mother begins to follow his dad’s example because to follow his mother’s would make him weak and fearful and he doesn’t want that so he joins up with his dad, maybe not obviously, maybe he still defends his mother, but in his heart and head, the cells that will make him a man baby and a sexist pig are multiplying and spreading but they won’t really bloom into full red light until the boy is a man and a father and then he will do everything he was taught.
And then, he will have an apprentice.
__________
Photo: Jason Rosewell
12 Comments on “Apprentice”
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Snow Door | wisconsinacademy.org
Listen to Jan read her essay “Billy” presented on WUWM’s Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “At the Breakfast Bar” on WUWM Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “The Parish Hall,” on WUWM Lake Effect
“Fury Cannot Touch Me,” Modern Love, NYT, 9/29/11
You know, there is a point to be made here. It’s really a fascinating topic, all things considered.
As a child, I not only bore witness to my father’s repeated brutalizing of my mother, but I was also the recipient of it. That’s what happens when you’re the son of a womanizing, abusive, raging alcoholic.
Years later, he would tearfully apologize to me, and explain that his only goal was to make a man out of me. He also said that it was the only way he knew how, because my grandfather was apparently a special kind of vicious. (I never met the man, he died years before I was born)
Whether it counts as a valid excuse or not is immaterial. I chose to forgive him, just as my mother had. After all, she raised me after their eventual divorce, and she made extra certain that I didn’t end up like him.
Her efforts were pointless, though. You see, I grew up with a vivid imagination and a strong sense of empathy. As such, even if she hadn’t worked so hard to ensure I wasn’t like him, I still would have walked the opposite direction from his.
As I could easily remember the sights, the sounds and the sheer terror of living in such a toxic environment (he once punched me in the head because I had the temerity to mention God), I had resolved to never subject anyone to that, and I’m pleased to say I’ve managed succeed where my dad failed.
Today, I’m married, aged 40, the father of 10 kids and the demons he inflicted upon me no longer exist. I banished them long before I grew up.
Now, does this mean I haven’t made mistakes? Of course not. My wife has had to pull me back a few times, as I can be wildly creative in ways to discipline children. However, I’m a good dad, a good husband and neither are ever going to change.
Thank you for telling your story. Everything isn’t inevitable as you point out. Your children are lucky to have you as their dad.
Don’t tell that to my oldest. She’s 18, and I’m stupid. 😂
You’ll get incredibly smart in about 10 years. Lol
Don’t I just know it.
Your response to me was so reasoned, Jan, and so kind that I had to reread your post to see if I had gone over the top. As the mother of sons and grandsons, I tend to jump in boots and all. Jan, you begin with ‘Man babies are made, not born. Just like sexist pigs.’ And go on in that vein No one would suspect from reading your piece that you have wonderful sons whose father is a great role model.
Perhaps I was too subtle. The title “Apprentice” was in reference to a specific individual although there are certainly others in the world.
There might come a time when scientists will create artificial sperm. Till that time comes you might want to tone down the neutering of male children. Talk of cutting your nose to spite your third wave feminist faces, talk of misandrist pigs. I doubt you will publish my comment, but as the mother of boys, brilliant dads now, I thought you’d like a dissenting voice to puncture the smug echo chamber you live in.
I, too, am the mother of wonderful men, thanks to the fine role model provided by their dad. Most men are good, decent people and I wouldn’t neuter them for the world. But some men are terrible role models and their sons grow up to reflect that.
And why wouldn’t I publish your comment? You took the time to write it – I appreciate that. We don’t all have to agree all the time.
Reblogged this on Praying for Eyebrowz and commented:
Brilliant piece by Jan Wilberg. Redswrap.wordpress.com.
You nailed that one, Jan.