Chinooks 1, Brewers 0

All of you sad sack Brewer fans should cash in your season tickets and stop your morning weeping over the sports page and become Lakeshore Chinook fans instead. Here’s ten reasons why. I’ll go in David Letterman order.

#10: The Chinooks are owned by Robin Yount. This may be the only reason you need. He is, actually, the real Mr. Baseball. Plus he has a preposterously gorgeous head of hair. Makes my fingers itch just thinking about it.

#9: The Chinooks are part of the 16-team Northwood League, an independent league (Not AAA or AA or anything of the A’s), that runs around Michigan, Wisconsin, and Iowa playing baseball in the summer. Will Allen couldn’t make this league any more wholesome and locally grown.

#8: The guys who play are college guys. In other words, they are not wearing gold chains and they don’t have wads of hundred dollar bills in their pants. They really do like you.

#7: There’s no walk-up music, phony praying, or home plate rituals. The players come out of the dug-out, pick up a bat, and start batting.(I used that word so the intense baseball fans could shake their heads….batting? You mean….swinging?)

#6: Their mascot is a salmon (get it? Chinook salmon?), a cute smiling fish head with its baseball cap on backward. He’s adorable. So much healthier than Bernie Brewer. Tired of old hairy, sometimes in the bag, Bernie Brewer playing those pretend bongo drums and sliding down the chute on the very rare occasions that a Brewer hits a home run. Give me a fish any day. Plus the salmon can polka. He was gettin’ down!

#5: They have little races and contests in between innings that involve real people instead of stupid electronic stuff like where’s the ball under the cap and the incredible dorky roulette wheel. Last night’s game featured two guys who had to put their foreheads on top of a standing bat, run around the bat keeping their forehead on the bat, then run 25 yards to the finish line. One guy ran down the first base line, the other one (Mr. Superdizzy) ran toward the pitcher’s mound. Hilarious. Why have electronic stuff when there are so many people who can look stupid and amuse us?

#4: Parking is free and if you look old, like one of the members of my party might, then they sweep by and pick you up in a little cart. On the way, you can joke about the Brewers and breeze by other folks who are wondering what your disability is.

#3: It’s super cheap. You can get a seat behind home plate – roughly in the same place as our season tickets for the Brewers – for $8. Maybe that should be the #1 reason. You can also eat without wincing at the price. And, get this, the hot dogs appear not to have been sutured into their little buns the day before yesterday. They actually look like they were just put in the bun just for you – customized hot dog construction. So fine.

#2: The stadium – Kapco Park at Concordia University – is run by students. That’s part of Robin Yount’s philosophy, I guess, to use the team as a teaching vehicle for the students. I love this.

#1: And the #1 reason to dump the Brewers and become a Chinooks fan? The reason y’all been waiting for? Baseball. Just plain baseball. No stars, no drug tests, no trades, no millionaires, no scandal, no misery. Just turn on the lights, suit up, play the National Anthem, and play ball. Sweet. Like Field of Dreams right here in Milwaukee.

This diehard Brewers fan didn’t really agree with me about dumping the Brewers. But he did have a swell time. So will you. Go look them up – the Chinooks.