Don’t Sass Me

My mother slapped me once for being impudent. Let me say that another way. My mother slapped me once. In my entire life. And the reason for the slap was that I was impudent, a word she used frequently as in “Don’t be impudent, Janice.”

For those unfamiliar with the term (which probably includes anyone born in the second half of the twentieth century), one who is impudent, according to Webster, is “shamelessly bold or disrespectful; saucy, insolent.”

My mother would have none of that. In case you are thinking that my mother was cautioning me not to swear at her or flip her the bird, let me be completely clear. Impudence covered things like a questionable tone of my voice, an ever so slightly impolite response to her, any teeny little subtle body language that expressed disrespect to her, and, of course, eye-rolling. Well, the intent to eye roll was what she responded to; if I had actually rolled my eyes I would have been slapped twice in my life.

So taking a page from my mother’s very slim parenting book, I didn’t countenance any disrespect from my children either. As in zero, not a glimmer. That doesn’t mean they were always totally respectful because it can be difficult to be really, really, really angry at one’s parents (as they occasionally were) and not show some disrespectful behavior but it was really slight, barely imperceptible.

My reasoning was this — Damn, this parenting thing is hard enough. I’m not going to have some squirt telling me to fuck off. (I know – pretty high level psychological analysis, right?)

So it amazes me when I hear what some parents tolerate from their kids. The dissing that goes on, actual eye-rolling (vs. intent), the impatience expressed, the criticism. I hear it from little kids and from teenagers and I look at their parents and think – how is this helping your relationship? How is this helping them to grow up to be decent people? How is this making YOU feel about yourself that you are allowing a kid to treat you disrespectfully?

Of course, for my mother’s anti-impudence approach to work, the parents have to be respectful toward the children. As astonished as I am at how some kids talk to the parents, I’m more amazed at how many parents talk to their kids.

Harsh. Critical. Accusatory. Minimizing. You really can’t say to a child “You’re an idiot. You never do anything right” and then expect respect in return. Doesn’t work that way.

Anyway, that’s my message today. Children shouldn’t be impudent, shamelessly disrespectful, or saucy. And their parents need to be pretty spare with their slaps – once a lifetime is plenty. That’s what my mother taught me.