What Good are Dads?

I just looked out the window to see my son and his 4 year old daughter walk up the front steps to our house.  He was ahead of her by 3 or 4 steps and she was following.  Walking home from the park, I guess.  Both were about their business.    He walked and he expected her to come along.  Wasn’t looking back.  Wasn’t holding her hand – although he’s not an unaffectionate guy.  He wasn’t worried that she was dawdling behind him and would be standing still while a huge SUV powered down a driveway and flattened her into unrecognizable form.  Didn’t think twice about it. That’s what Dads are good for.  They don’t worry about shit all the time.

I like that. 

It took me a while to realize that one of the greatest powers of a parent is the ability to make a child afraid.  The converse of this is to make a child brave but I don’t think parents can do that.  I think children are naturally brave.  But I do believe that parents can make them afraid.

We take our granddaughter to swimming class every Sunday morning at the local Jewish Community Center.  It’s a small class of maybe seven 4-year olds.  Our girl sits in her pink bathing suit on the edge of the kiddie pool, her hair in a pony tail, a big grin on her face, her skinny body shivering, while she waits for Teacher Brittney’s instructions.  She’s ready.  She’s on it.  She’s game.  We are in the grown-ups’ pool swimming – when we end a lap we stop and look over at our little kiddo.  She smiles. 

But not all is so well. One kid’s mom is rubbing her daughter’s back every second of swim class, comforting her.  Another’s is actually in the water, crowding out the instructor and the other kiddies.  They tell their kids it will all be ok and the minute they say that, the kids are worried.  Really worried.

Dads don’t ever bother with reassuring kids.  (At least the dads I’ve known…..granted there are a lot of different kinds of dads). For the dads I’ve known, it’s like. “Oh, it’s time for swim class. Go swim.  I’ll be over here in the hot tub.  Come get me when you’re done.” It’s the matter of factness of it that just stops fear in its tracks.  Gee, Dad is cool about it.  Why should I worry?

Last week, I listened to a psychologist explain that a kid needed two things to develop a phobia – a genetic predisposition and someone to teach them to be afraid. And I think I’ve done that – muscled my fearfulness into the middle of something and made my kids afraid when they didn’t need to be. But I’m grateful that my kids have a dad who never thought about risk or danger or kids getting concussions on the playing field.  He never made a big deal of anything.  He was casual in his expectations, a lot like his own son walking up the stairs just now with his daughter trailing behind him.  He had confidence.  He believed life is safe.  He imparted this belief to this children. Why would anyone be scared?  It’s all cool.  Go do stuff. 

I think this is one of the big unspoken benefits of dads – their ability to impart little pieces of courage – that eventually, I think, add up to big chunks of courage. It’s a gift – albeit kind of a weird one – a gift of being careless and carefree.  And having confidence.  It’s a big deal.